My Shoes

I always hear the caption "shoes are a girl's/women's best friend". It is true, girls often give more attention to shoes compared to guys and usually most girls have huge collections of shoes. But this does not mean that a shoe does not play an important part in a man's life. I would like to think that for certain men; I included, that their shoes is the mirror image of their current identity. Guys might not have big shoe collections but I think some of us tend to give proper attention when choosing our current shoes as it reflects our current selves. Doesn't make much sense does it. Well this has been the case for me ever since I chose my first shoes. And each time I look back at the shoes that I have owned, it always reflected who I was and what I was going through at that time.

I never got a chance to choose my own proper shoes until I was in the university. During schooling days, you are restricted to the white school shoes that every student has to wear and I wore which ever school shoes that my father would buy for me, despite the design or the brand. At that time it didn’t matter. It was only a school shoe for god sake. As long as it was white and I can wear it to school it was good enough for me. Towards secondary school I owned the typical set of shoes that an average student would have; white shoes for school, black shoes for formal wear and sport shoes for any outdoor activities. Even though I was choosing my shoes on my own in secondary school, I didn’t quite pay attention to it. Go to the shop, pick the cheapest, pay and get out. That was my shopping style.

But all of this took a turn when I was in Moscow. I was in my first year; I had my set of shoes, formal shoes for classes, sport shoes for activities and winter boots for winter of course. But it never felt like me when I was wearing those shoes. As December was fast approaching, which means I have been in Moscow for 3 months, I contemplated getting new shoes. I wanted shoes that reflected me. Who I was and what I was going through. The contemplation went on as the shoes in Moscow were quite expensive but it wasn’t a surprise as Moscow was voted the most expensive city in the world three times in a row. But as though it was a sign for me to go ahead, the winter sales came about in January, and it was a massive sale indeed, some up to 70% discount. It was decided, time to get my “first” shoe.

My first shoe was a black Adidas. I couldn’t remember which series or edition it was. Its design was thick and a bit bulky like basketball shoes. The bulky and thick design gave me total cover, support and a sense of protection. It would keep me safe from all types of surface or danger that I might step into. That was indeed what I really needed. It was only my first few months in Moscow. It was new territory, new people and new friends. Everything was new. I didn’t feel as safe and protected as I was back in Taiping. This was an un-ventured land. I didn’t know what to expect. I needed the feeling that I was being kept safe. A comforting sense that I will be able to endure whatever Moscow might throw at me. I needed to be wrapped in a warm blanket and be told that everything would be alright and that was exactly what my black Adidas provided me.

Its thick sole gave me a risen feeling. At home family still was struggling with money. Here everyone studying with me was rich. Money was not an issue for anyone. They didn’t have to worry. Their family was capable of taking care of all their financial need. Everything that they wore or possessed was expensive. My inferiority complex had kicked in since the first day I reached Moscow. I needed to feel that I could stand solid and high. I needed support, to stand firm on the ground. I didn’t want to be shaken or intimidated. That is what my black Adidas did for me. It made me feel safe, made me feel strong, made me feel that I could endure anything and made me feel that even though everybody was well off; I could still stand tall not because of what I had but who I was.

My black Adidas was with me for around 2 years. A lot had happened since I came to Moscow. The 2 years had passed quickly and I have started to blend in. I have made numerous friends but I still kept my distance from most of them as I did not belong to their class of society. Life had gotten smoother a bit as the Public Service Department scholarship that I and some of my friends were receiving had been increased by almost three folds to $750. Based on my allowance I had already planned how much to save and how much to spend. The money that I was saving in Moscow would be used to pay off my family’s debt back in Malaysia. Things were starting to look better and slowly everything was falling into place.

Mexico 66 Asics Tiger Onitsuka

Because of this, I was able to go about my life more freely. I was independent and was starting to live my life to the fullest. Every day was new and exciting. I felt fresh and replenished. I soon realized that I was feeling happy, genuinely happy after a long time. My life has been such a complicated labyrinth of sorrow and despair. But things were looking up for the first time. There were signs all around saying that: this is it, you are going to finally pull through, and you are going to lift your family up. So many encouraging thoughts everywhere and I could feel the positive energy beaming around me ever so radiantly. Then I looked at my shoe. It was coming to the end of its journey. It had served me well, protected and kept me safe amongst my most insecure of times. My black Adidas had done me well, and it was time for it to take its long due rest. It was time for someone new to take over.

I needed a shoe that summarized my life at the moment. It must be simple yet trendy, classy yet down to earth and it must be eye catching but not so striking. After a long hunt, I found it. The best ever shoe that I ever had. It was my favourite shoe ever, my Mexico 66 Asics Tiger Onitsuka. Just by saying the name made me feel energized. Each time I wore that shoe I felt I was being myself. It defined one of the happiest moments in my life. It was not so thick and not so thin, just the way I wanted it. It wasn’t a bright colour nor was it dull; it was a bit greyish but it was glowing. Just the way I wanted it. It was also an indicator that I was getting a grip on my life, I have started doing things the way I wanted them. The moments that I spent with my Tiger Onitsuka was one of the most memorable ones that I ever had, be it in Moscow or in Malaysia.

Mexico 66 Asics Tiger Onitsuka

But as they always say, every good thing has to come to an end. My Onitsuka stayed with me until I graduated from Moscow Medical Academy and it brought me back to Malaysia when I travelled back for the last time from my 6 years of study. That was my Onitsuka’s last journey. That was the final time I would wear it. But even before that I already knew the time was up for my Onitsuka. It was already wearing out from keeping me happy and blissful all this while. The replacement shoe was ready. I had already started wearing the replacement shoe in alternation with my Onitsuka. I needed a smooth transition even though the reality of what I was facing had already sunk in. It was going to be a rocky road ahead for me.

Adidas Campus

Towards the last 6 months of my medical school, things were already looking a bit gloomy. Back home things were not that good. Dad was diagnosed with brain tumour the previous year and that had taken a toll on me. I also knew a financial hiccup was already looming in the horizon. I couldn’t keep myself together. My mind was constantly at a blur, not being able to concentrate or focus on what I was doing. I felt I was on the verge of exploding every minute and keeping everything to my own just made matters worse. The pressure was mounting day by day and every day I struggled to put myself on show as if nothing was wrong. I tried my best to put up a fight. Not to go weary and not to give up. But my resistant was futile. I was dealt the blow that crushed me and brought me back to earth.

I would not dwell on the subject that became the saddest day of my life. But it was done and there was nothing I can do to change it. I was broken emotionally and was also handed a big financial crisis. I had no one to turn to. There was no one to help me, no one to lend a hand and no one to give a shoulder of support. But I do not blame the people around me. It was always in my nature to share my happiness with others but never to share my grievance with anyone. I was at one of the lowest point of my life. I already knew the shoe that will fit me well, the shoe that would remind me of my struggling life.

It was a dark blue Adidas Campus. How did it define my current life? Well to begin, it was not a new shoe at all. It was a used shoe which I bought from my roommate. It signified where I was at the moment. I was at a doubt whether I would have enough money to pull through. I was on a strict budget. My spirit and motivation had worn out just like how my shoe was. My Campus was comforting telling me to just hang on until the storm passes. It had a thicker sole in comparison to my Onitsuka. I needed the extra support, the extra protection because I knew there were more shortcomings headed my way in the future.

Adidas Campus

My Campus hung with me throughout my difficult times. It reminded me where I was from and where I actually belong. The illusions of everyone are the same and belong to the same society which I had in Moscow soon faded. Coming back to Malaysia and wearing my used Campus I knew fact from fiction. Reality struck me hard. What was I thinking? I thought me and the others were the same. Well we were not. I was way down the society ladder. I was looking at my friends from way below, knowing that there was no way I could go up to them. I was deterred and decided to detach myself from everyone as was the fate of my shoe too. My Campus was my only shoe. I chucked all the others. It was just going to be me and my Campus against all odds.

Ambros Inspira

I hoped that my life with the Campus will be short but not everything goes how we would want it to go. After a few months with my Campus, I had left my job. Things got even worse. I was jobless for almost a year. My savings were drying out. It seemed I was falling through a dark hole. Falling and falling. I had given up and just wanted to hit the bottom so that everything would just end. But it was like a bottomless pit; never ending. The darkness often engulfed me, making me feel despair and depressed. To an extent even the Campus had lost its use. I rarely wore it, often for months. I was exposed, no cover and no one to shield me. As Tom Cruise says in “A Few Good Men”; “the hits just keep on coming”. So was the case for me.

1 ½ years passed as I struggled to make ends meet in my life. I was succumbing to my defeat, so did my Campus. It looked bleak and weary. I can sense it was getting tired, unable to move any further. Then in April 2010, came a glimmer of hope. I manage to pull myself together and get a job. The pay wasn’t that high, but I was grateful nevertheless for having seized an opportunity to fight back and was going to do it with my Campus. As work went on, day after day, month after month, I was starting to get myself a bit more organized. I came up with plans to solve my financial issues and started executing them. I had to be strict and cannot give in to my desires. I was starting to get up and my Campus was there to help me do so. It was there to help me stand again.

Around two years passed and things were starting to look a bit brighter. I was still struggling and had a fair share of problems that needed sorting out. But at least I was already moving in the direction of getting it solved. I was still in the same situation as before but I have moved a few steps higher. Still in the pit mind you. And this meant only one thing, time for a new shoe. My Campus had done its duty, holding me together and urging me forward in the most difficult of times. Now it was time for it to rest. The replacement needed to be almost the same design, the same sole thickness, the same comfort but just a bit less resilient and of course this time I can afford getting new ones. After much hunting, my new and latest shoe was found, a brown Ambros Inspira.

Ambros Inspira

My Inspira is my current shoe, the shoe that took over from my Campus, to guide me to work harder. It reminds me that my moment of comfort is still long in the making. But it’s alright. I feel active when I wear my Inspira. It makes me feel that I will be able to run through all hurdles. The upgrade from my Campus to the Inspira gave me back the confidence that I had lost for quite some time now. Slowly determination was seeping into my life again. Rejuvenation, yes, that’s what I was feeling right now. There were still ups and downs, but it was not as bad as before and my Inspira was helping me to keep all the misfortunes at bay. We are going through things together now, hoping to climb out of the pit one day.

Over the period of ten years, I am at my fourth shoe. Each one of my shoes had done me justice and stood by me through thick and thin. When I was in fear of the unknown, my black Adidas held me and taught me to be brave. During the happiest moments of my life, my Tiger Onitsuka taught me to experience my life to the fullest and share my joy with others. When I was down and broken, my Adidas Campus taught me to get up and never give up. And as I try to climb up in life, my Ambros Inspira teaches me to hold on, to move up and not to fall down.

Different moments in my life shared with different type of shoes. Yet, deep in my heart I long for the day that I might wear a Tiger Onitsuka again, the same type of Onitsuka that was my companion through the happiest days of my life. I hope those days would come again, and when it does, it will mean only one thing, “Time to get new shoes”.