The People I Buried

Do not get shocked after reading the title. Trust me, it’s true. Throughout my life until now, I have buried quite a number of people and it seems that I would continue to do so whenever it is necessary. It was always difficult, but it was something that I had to do. The duration varied according to the people that I buried. Some people took me less time to bury; meanwhile others took me a relatively longer time. But little by little I would get the job done. So far, I have never failed or stopped halfway. Though, there was one time, just one time that I had wished I could stop and not bury this person. He was a really nice guy, but there was no turning back. Once I decide a person needs to be buried, he will be buried no matter what the circumstances.

The first time I had to bury someone, I was really young. I was only 11 years old. This boy grew up not realizing who he was and where he came from. He didn’t know that his behavior in one way or the other was a burden to his family. This boy was really picky and selective when it came to food. I could go on and on listing the type of food that he didn’t eat; sardine, egg yolk, char kuey teow, thosai, sambar, most of the vegetables except one or two, and many others. He was a nuisance. This type of behavior is not acceptable even if you come from a well to do family. But this evil little boy was from a family that was struggling to make ends meet. I would not totally blame everything on him. He was ignorant of his surroundings until he was 11 years old when he started realizing his bad habit. Once he started to realize, it was time for him to go.

It took me quite some time to bury him, around one to two years to be exact. He was stubborn and didn’t want to accept what was coming for him. But eventually by the time I was 13 years old, he was gone. No more being picky. It opened up a whole new world of taste and delight. As long as it was edible, it was fine. Be it anything, trust me anything. The only thing that was still out of the menu even until today is durian. It’s kind of weird for a Malaysian who eats everything not to eat durian right? But I have told many people, I can eat almost anything except for durian. Tried but denied till today and probably forever. Well that was the first person I buried. I didn’t have to bury anyone else for the next two years. But at the age of 15, I had to bury one person who was very significant and could have entirely changed the way I look at life if I didn’t bury him.

This second boy was 15 years old when I decided to bury him. A lot of people would not believe it, but this boy was actually religious since young until he was 15 years old. He was not a very religious person until he drowned in it, but he believed in God none the less. Mainly in Hindu Gods as that was his family surrounding. His family rarely went to temple, yet prayers at home were as usual. Believe it or not, this boy use to pray and he would especially pray every night before he went to sleep. I do not lie when I say every night. He prayed every night. I know most people already can’t digest what I am saying here. Well his religious belief took a hit at the age of 15 years old; he started realizing what was going on around him, and around the world.

Coming from a not so well to do family, this boy was surrounded by people similar to him and his family. From his point of view, life seemed unfair. None of the people around him including his family did anything bad. They were good people who earned an honest living. Yet they were poor. In contrast he saw many others who were not so good people, who lied, cheated and earned illegally, yet they were wealthy. He did not understand God’s logic. But, this was just things happening around him. When he knew what was happening around the world he was even more terrified. Killings, rape, genocide, hunger, poverty, natural disasters, diseases, the list kept on going. The world was a cruel place and it was mostly the innocent who were suffering. The wrongdoers were living lavish lifestyle and were not bothered. It didn’t seem right. Whatever system “God” was using, His system was definitely faulty and there were no signs that He would be debugging His system anytime soon.

He could not accept how the world had shaped itself, even though most people around him could. He could not accept the fact that God grants “A’s” to children who go to school but does not give a drop of water to the child that eventually dies of hunger. Where was the logic in that? He was angry. But he did not know at whom. He just felt the system was faulty, unfair, and injustice. Soon the words of those with similar questions that he had would reach his ears. As word by word reached his ears, whether through movies, television shows, or books, he started uncovering the side of religious belief which would be full of politics, greed, and all the evil things you could think of. This is the moment I decided the religious 15 year old had to go. This was a quick burial. It probably only took months, two to the most. Before anyone knew it, the boy was buried deep underground.

Burying the 15 year old opened a whole new world. He explored and learned more. Throughout the years he would find out that maybe the perception he had when I decided to bury the 15 year old boy was not all correct. But it was this burial that enabled him to approach everything with an open mind. It made him aware of his immediate surroundings. It made him realize, if you want something you go and get it, period. He learned to work harder, and he knew that even though his family’s burden was not his to bear yet, he would start now. He knew he would not be able to do much but he would do whatever he can. That’s when this boy started saving vigorously. He will save whatever money he can from his daily allowance given by his father, even though it was not much to begin with. Whatever money that anyone would give him when he got good results would be saved. He used this money to pay for his tuition fee on his own whenever he could. When his father tells him that he can’t pay the fees for this month until the next one or two weeks, he would tell his father that he already paid it with his own money. He loved the look on his father’s face who would smile proudly at what he had accomplished. A smile of a proud father, it’s priceless.

For the next two years I would be free from burying anyone, having buried two people previously when I was 11 and 15 years old. But right after SPM, during the long holidays while awaiting the dreaded result, it would be time for me to bury someone again. At 17 years old, the boy had become an expert in hiding his emotions. Whatever hardship or sorrow he was going through was well concealed and no one would notice, sometimes even the closest ones to him. Yet one of the emotions that he had not fully controlled was anger. Another shocker for anyone who had only knew him in recent times. Yes, at the age of 17, this boy would explode like a bomb even over silly things.

The moment he realized that he would need to change his behavior came when he was playing badminton with his close friends. He was sitting by the court talking to one of his best friend, when a verbal argument started between them. It only took a moment for all hell to break loose, before anyone else knew it; this boy was ready for a fist fight. His friend was slightly calmer than him, maybe because the friend knew that he can take him down easily. All the others rushed towards both of them holding them back. Two of his friends were dragging this boy across the badminton court towards the door, telling him to calm down and go back home first. With his rage, his yelling, and throwing his arm everywhere, his hand latched onto his helmet. Next thing everyone knew, the helmet was flying across the badminton court towards his friend. But it seems this boy was lousy at throwing, so he actually missed and the helmet hit the wall with a thunderous crashing sound and suddenly everyone went silent including him.

Before he could fully comprehend what had happened, he was already sitting at the backseat of the motorcycle heading towards home. He realized how silly he had behaved. He was ashamed and he didn’t know how to apologize. But his best friend was the greater person here, as he has always been. The friend didn’t let him go through the hardship of trying to apologize as he spoke first and told the boy to forget about it. This was the moment I decided that this 17 year old angry boy had to be buried. This burial was also swift, probably just a few months. The angry boy was buried. So now, this boy will hide all his emotions including his anger. Not sure if this is a good thing, as keeping all emotions bottled up can eventually lead him to explode once and for all. Well that time is yet to come, and hopefully it doesn’t.

Having buried three people, the moment beckoned for the fourth burial soon. But, the next burial was not until the next seven years. Yes, it took that long for the next burial, maybe because it was one of the best periods of the boy’s life. He was studying in Moscow, able to explore things way beyond his imagination. He learned a lot of new things, mainly outside of the classroom rather than inside it. It was eye opening and also mind opening. It was a learning process he would never forget. He was also going back to Malaysia every year during summer holidays to spend time with family and friends. They had the greatest of times during those two months holiday. As time passed by, it seemed almost perfect. Surrounded by wonderful people in Moscow while he was there and spending time with amazing people when he was back in Malaysia. It couldn’t get any better. But when the notion is it can’t get any better, the boy failed to realize that it can get bad, and as time went by it got worse.

Things came spiraling down in 2008 when the boy was 24 years old. Starting with the most tragic event of his life, things didn’t get any better. Within a few months after that, he was unemployed; facing difficulties that he didn’t expect and his life seemed entirely blank. I have mentioned before, the feeling he was going through at this time was falling into a dark bottomless pit engulfed by fear and anxiety, uncertain when he would hit the bottom. But after a while, he just wanted to hit the bottom soon and get it over with. He just wanted everything to end. It wasn’t going to be easy. Waiting for everything to end was not the way to face his problem. He knew that. First the happy go lucky boy had to go. The happiest boy that was around for the past few years had to go. It was time for me to bury him.

This is the most difficult burial of my life. Till today I wish that I hadn’t buried this boy. But I had no choice. I needed someone who could face reality; someone who could stand up and start facing the problems that have fallen upon him. This happy go lucky boy was not ready for this. He was not prepared and he didn’t have the power or the will to fight on. Burying this boy would mean burying the nicest and happiest guy this boy has ever been. But it was necessary. Life had to go on. This burial took long, almost 14 months. Little by little, he was buried six feet under, with no chance of coming back.

The burial of this boy gave birth to the boy who would face everything alone. He was silent, didn’t talk much and went about each and every day trying to solve his existing problems. As time went on, he tried to steady himself and made sure there were plans in motion that would put everything in place. It wasn’t easy. But he had to do it. New problems kept on creeping up from time to time, but after a few years he was already accustomed to it. He accepted the reality that this was how his life was designed to be lived. He was almost computer like; a machine that went on a routine schedule day by day. He kept away from everyone but occasional visits from his childhood friends helped break that routine, so that once in awhile he could feel human again.

This went on for almost four years when he started realizing that things were not that bad after all. Yes he fell into a dark pit, but when you are down in a pit, the only way you can go after this is up. He just had to be careful that he doesn’t fall again. He needs to be very careful. As he realized this new found reality and started looking on the bright side of life, he was slowly opening up himself to his long forgotten friends. After six to seven years of an almost solitary state, he was up and trying to make things reconnect again. It was tough, it was scary and boy was he nervous. But reconnecting with old friends gave him a joy and happiness that he had not felt for a long time.

Yes, happiness was there again in his life, after a long dark journey. But even though he was happy, I know the happy cheerful boy that I buried almost more than five years ago has no chance of coming back. Even though I was the one that buried him, it was one boy that I didn’t want to bury at all. It was the only burial that I regret even until today. But there is nothing that I can do, that nice boy who radiated happiness unto others is gone. It would have been nice to have him around. But there is nothing that can be done. He is buried, dusted, and gone for good.

Life went on as I waited with the regret of the last burial to face the next upcoming one. The latest burial, the fifth one, took place in February 2015. It was a new chapter in the boy’s life; a chapter that no one would have expected to happen. Believe it or not, towards the end of 2014, this boy actually started liking a girl. This was not just you know like normally liking a girl, this was like getting married and settling down kind of liking. It is hard to believe. Who knew that this stone cold hearted boy could be capable of love? Yes, you read it right, I did say “love”.

To keep things short, by the end of last year, he developed a certain feeling for a girl that eventually outgrew his tiny heart and engulfed him in this new found feeling that normal people call “love”. Of course it was new to him because before this he was totally oblivious toward this emotion. But now he was experiencing it firsthand. The feeling kept on growing, and being in love for the first time, he had no idea what to do. But before he could decide what to do, he had to decide whether he should do anything or not. All this while, he had spent his life never thinking of getting married and settling down. He had always this notion in him that he would die old and alone. He also never thought that he was marriage material. He even wrote a blog post titled “Why No One Should Marry Me”. He was in a dilemma. He needed answers. He needed to sort things out. He needed to decide. Most importantly he needed me to bury someone, but whom?

I stand there with my shovel, ready as always to bury the person that had to go. There were two of them, and only one can go on. One boy was a boy that been around for a very long time. He knew what his life was going to be like as he never planned on getting married. His bachelor life already planned almost towards the end. Yes, this boy knew what he was doing with his life and what he is going to keep on doing with it. He was steady, and had a clear mind. It will be a waste to bury such an organized, well planned boy. A boy like this is quite hard to come by these days. Keeping him would mean that there is nothing much to worry about, no uncertainties, no sudden eventful thing that could cause headaches, and also no new things to look forward to. Should I bury him?

On the other hand, there is this new boy. This boy popped out of nowhere and is full of these new weird emotions that he himself cannot fully comprehend. But even though he doesn’t fully understand these feeling, he seems to like it. As a matter of fact, he seems to enjoy it. This new boy is really weird. He has no idea how things are going to work out. He has no idea how his life is going to change. He has no idea what he is going to do with his life after this. So many uncertainties and questions loom around this boy, yet the only thing he truly cares about is this new found emotion that gives him an overwhelming joy that he has never felt before. Keeping him would mean taking one of the biggest risks of his life. Is he ready for that? Is it worth it? Or should I bury him?

Well all the questions above were clambering my head way back in February. And now it’s already September, which means that I have already decided who to bury. Not only decided, but I have actually buried one of the boys. It was a quick burial. Who did I bury? Did I bury the boy who was certain of his future and never wanted to get married? Or did I bury the boy who was full of love but was taking a huge risk with his life? Did I place a bet on a steady future, or did I take a risk on love?

Well as time goes on, sooner or later, you will find out. As for now, the fifth burial is done and dusted.