A few months back, a good friend of mine called with a marriage proposition. It seems that he had a friend whose family is looking for a bridegroom. He suggested I get to know this girl and if everything works out fine, then we can proceed to marriage. In short he was fixing me up with a marriage alliance. I told him that my current plans do not include marriage for the next three years.
The phone call got me thinking, if I want to get married,
what type of girl would I go for, what are the requirements? But these are not
the questions that got me writing. All these questions brought me to another
question. It’s quite a weird question but it popped into my mind never the
less. “If I was a girl, would I marry me?”
I know the question sounds really out of place. But isn’t this the best way to determine whether I was fit for marriage. Well the answer wasn’t that shocking at all. It took me less than a minute to answer the question. The answer was “no”. But that was a relatively quick answer. So I took the time to weigh my good and bad qualities. After a few hours, the answer was still the same.
Maybe my approach was wrong. Maybe I’m not thinking correctly. Or maybe my mind was just at a blur. So I decided to write. No better way to come up with a judgment than putting it in words. So I’m going to make my argument here in writing and let’s see by the end of it whether the answer will change.
Of course I should begin with the good qualities before I move into the bad ones. It has been half an hour I’m still stuck here. It looks like writing something good about me is not that easy after all. For starters, I can argue that I am quite intelligent. I did get good results when I was in school and I was one of the students from an elite group who scored straight A1s during our SPM exams. I also went on to secure a JPA scholarship and finished my Medical Degree in Moscow. It sounds like an impressive resume. But the reality is far from it.
Even though my academic achievement seems amazing, I have nothing to show for it. I left my job as a doctor 2 months into practice and am now working as a Study Coordinator earning less than half from what I would have earned if I had continued. It’s not exactly a job that a wife would be proud to mention when she is introducing her husband. So careers wise, there is nothing good to say but the bad things are so many that I would still be writing until tomorrow.
An important aspect for marriage is finance. From getting into a relationship, the engagement, the wedding, managing the household till having children, the most important thing needed is money. Do I have any of it? I would not lie by saying I don’t have money. I do have money. Even though it is not much but it is more than what a lot of others have. But is it sufficient for everything that I listed above. No not at all. Whatever money I have now and will be earning later has been called for. With my house in desperate need of renovations, my sister still studying and also the future prospect of her getting married, I can’t even think of buying a car at the moment, let alone get married.
What about abilities? I am sure I have certain abilities that girls would find impressive and likeable. Starting from the basics, I can’t sing and I can’t dance. Nor can I swim or play any musical instruments. I am not good in any sports. I also fear heights, closed space and also the water making me unable to do almost 80% of the interesting activities out there. I am not street smart and I also don’t drive. My creativity and artistic ability is zero. I am also physically unfit; jogging, climbing the stairs or hiking, two minutes of it and I am panting. Physical attributes? I don’t want to even get started on my physical attributes. To put in easy words if I was rating my face and body on the scale of 100, then I would be a single digit.
I thought I was supposed to write good things. But the two major points that I have put forth so far has done the total opposite. Let’s just put career and finance aside at the moment. These are materialistic components. I should be looking at the essential component of a marriage institution, love. Personality is the most important aspect in relationship, not what the person does or how much he earns. Two person should love each other for who they are in the inside not the job or earnings they carry on the outside. So let’s take a look at my personality; the quality within me that would make me loveable and also worthy of marriage.
Once again I have hit a brick wall. I do not have any such qualities. I have no good qualities in me what so ever. I am very arrogant and egoistic person. I easily hurt others as I never consider their feelings when I talk. The worst part is I do not do it unknowingly. I would be aware of how hurtful I am being, yet I would not stop, nor would I feel bad about it; no remorse at all. I have very bad temper, especially towards people who are close to me. I lash out at them with no mercy; worse than a barking dog.
I am impossible to understand. I expect people to act in a certain way and when they do, for some reason I would resent it making them do the exact opposite. Then I would spend the day hating them for not doing what I wanted. It sounds crazy but it’s the way I am. Even though I know it’s crazy I have no intention of changing at all. I never let out my feelings to anyone. I keep everything bottled inside and I am always on the verge of exploding any second making me easily irritable.
I also suffer from two serious disorders, inferiority complex and anxiety. Both disorders have kept me away from the society in general. I don’t go to any gatherings or celebrations. I do not keep in touch with friends. I do not have a social life at all. Each time I would think of breaking the boundaries, my disorders will engulf me and put me in my rightful place; all alone at the bottom of the pack. Who would want a husband that you would have to look down to? The very thought of me would probably make any girl disgusted.
Sometimes by means of miracle one or two people might start getting close to me. But it would not last long. As soon as happy moments start to blossom, my disorders would kick in. I would start noticing how far away we are in our social classes, how a less of a person I am and how I do not deserve this friendship at all. A man from the bottom of the pit should never dream of climbing out and smelling the roses above. That’s what my mind would to tell me and that’s what I would believe. So straight away I would push this new found friendship away and turn it into mere acquaintances. How would anyone be able to have a relationship with me when I am going to push them away each time they come close.
What about being religious? Well, religion and I are very far off. I respect everyone’s right of following a religion. But I myself don’t follow any religion. I argue a lot with everyone about unnecessary culture and tradition. I argue without stop and I wouldn’t stop until everyone admits I’m right. This type of stubborn attitude doesn’t only apply to religious argument. But I do this when I argue about almost anything. I still do it even when I know I am wrong. What an arrogant stubborn person. Well that’s me. Even though I know all this, do I consider changing? No.
Looks like hours of thinking and writing has concluded only one thing. Whether it’s the personality inside of me or the materialistic values outside of me, I am not a person who is worthy of marriage. To make it worse I don’t think I’m even a person worthy of love. Some people are destined to find their so called “soul mate” and live happily ever after. Meanwhile a small few are destined to have a lonely life. It seems I’m one of the later.
If I keep on pondering some more, I will end up writing a novel about how bad I am. So, time to assess. Yes, the answer remains unchanged. I wouldn’t marry me and I don’t think anyone else would too.
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